Exam Blues

“Define ‘ideology’ as used in the item,” question 1a asks. 2 marks.

I look with disbelief at my empty sheet of paper. Ideology - for fuck’s sake, I use that word all the time. I know what it means. Everyone knows what it means, but how to put it into words? Fuck tests.

I hesitantly bring my blue ball-point pen to the surface of my open exam answer booklet and write ‘Ideology refers to’ at the top. Then I bring it to my mouth and start nibbling on the end. I feel sweat pouring out of my armpits and flowing down my body like a waterfall. Ideology, ideology, ideology. Something about a set of ideas.

I chew my pen a little harder and imagine Hitler standing in front of all the Germans, roaring about Jews, spitting venom, in the hope that thinking of various ideologies will help me out here. The pen cracks open, ink flowing to my lips, coating my tongue with bitterness. Inky drops of saliva fall over my answer paper, staining it with cartoon tears. “Fuck,” I say, quietly enough to get away with it. I put the pen down to start looking for another one in an act of accidental foolishness, and immediately, the blue blood from the injured biro spreads across my paper, seeping through it, destroying it, and submerging my three words.

Stay cool, I tell myself, glancing at the clock and noticing I’d wasted 15 of the 90 minutes already. I raise my hand to get some invigilator’s attention and look at the rest of the questions.

I try to use other students’ scribblings and the clock to pace my heartbeat as time pushes onwards and drags me along. These invigilators are a fucking waste of time. I’ve cleared my throat more than those Marlboro men who died of lung cancer and they’re still standing at the front of the hall having a nice circlejerk.

20 minutes gone. For fuck’s sake, I do want to pass this, y’know. Hurry the fuck up and answer me.

21 minutes. The amount of pressure you feel in exams is phenomenal, especially when you’re doing fuck all and you want to be answering questions. It feels like someone is standing on my chest and pushing my shoulders up. Cold sweat dribbles from my forehead. My pulse starts thudding in my ears.

“Oi!” I shout, finally, breaking through the concrete straightjacket of exam-hall rules, with everyone in the exam hall turning around to face me and tutting. A five-foot-two, fat, balding invigilator notices, and half-marches, half-waddles towards me.

“Name and candidate number,” he snarls.

Fuck - I ain’t failing this just because I said ‘oi’.. I stand up, pick up my desk, and lob it as far as I can, watching it knock a group of startled-looking students aside like bowling pins. “Like fuck I’m getting disqualified because you cunts aren’t doing your job - look at my fucking paper - actually fuck this -” I half roar, half murmur, my mind running at 100mph.

He makes an attempt to grab and subdue me. I dart out of the way and sprint to the other side of the hall, unbuckling my belt. He follows after me, wheezing, and pausing half-way to rest against someone’s chair. I let my pants drop to the floor, let my underpants follow, and step out of them. Then I start to shit.

I feel my feces slide out of my rectum gracefully and I feel it land on my hand, warmed by my body, a cake fresh from the oven. I grip it a little more tightly so it doesn’t slip out and throw it at the invigilator. It soars over his shoulder and hits the wall, exploding on impact. A lot of students scream as poo rains down upon them. I cock my leg and shit in my hand again - my adversary looks a bit apprehensive about catching me now - and throw this shit at him again.

This one makes contact. It hits him in the face, making a sound like throwing a beanbag against a wall, and bursts apart, coating his head with my slimy, brown waste. He moans in displeasure and tries to wipe the nuttier bits out of his eyes. Temporarily blinded, he stumbles away from me, cursing me loudly.

I take my dirtier hand and daub ‘fuck tests’ over the wall, and flee, bare-arsed.

And it was AT THAT EXACT MOMENT I decided on a perfect definition for ‘ideology.’