Praise Him

I waddled to Brian. He had just finished His final hilarious musical number and was busily screaming and moaning on the cross. His hands dribbled congealed blood, His legs were stained with the last shit He’ll ever do, He was gasping and choking for air, trying to twist His aching arms away from the punishing lumber, and yank the nails out, but He was in too much agony, too weak, to summon the strength.

His death sentence made me uneasy. Brian didn’t deserve to die; He was the most honourable and decent chap you’d ever meet. Far be it from me to overrule Pontius Pilate, and rescue Him, though, much as I’d rather Pilate was pinned up to die rather than my good friend Brian, I was kind of pleased it wasn’t me. I’d been following Him for years – I loved Him.

I pulled down His pants and took His holy cock in my hand. It was already reaching semi-on status and it only took a few soft tugs to become rock-solid. I longed to slide it into my anus like we did in the blissful past, sharing intimate and tender moments of casual anal sex in the temples and thanking God for every thrust, but that was a distant memory; and sorrow swarmed into my confused brain when I refreshed it; I’d never get to share such a moment with Him again.

Brian’s eyes flickered open and He glanced down at me masturbating Him. “Oh, Judas, thanks so much, oh yes Judas,” He moaned softly. I continued to toss Him off, His slippery penis made my hands sticky, His granite erection trembling with anticipation. I started to cry, dark tears welling in my eyes, trying to console myself with Brian’s teachings. There is bliss after death, I told myself; there is happiness beyond anything imaginable, but it just seems so unfair that Brian would have to go through a crucifixion to appreciate it. Maybe there was some greater purpose to this, maybe His daddy has a plan; maybe His bodily juices would cleanse all our sins.

“I’m coming,” Brian muttered, half to me and half to the Heavens. I put my mouth over His greasy dick and gave it a final suck, before He finally shot His magical seeds of immortality in my mouth. I took His cock out and watched His semen streaking towards me, splattering across my face. I’d accepted His warm love into my heart, and anointed my forehead with His warmer love.

I grabbed a spear propped up next to His cross and shoved it in His side mid-climax. Blood flooded from His wound, draining into the sand, and He died in euphoric homoerotic sexual ecstasy.