Knight in Shining Armour

I was walking down the street one night, taking my arsenal to the gun amnesty at the police station, when I saw two scruffy cunts mugging an old woman at the bus stop. Fuck that shit, I thought; dirty bastards, world would be better off without them.

“Oi, bellends,” I shouted. One of them turned towards me. Before they could react, I pulled out my AK and machine-gunned both their kneecaps. The old woman stood, white as a ghost, frozen to the spot. I walked over to the bloody scene.

“Right, give me your purse,” I said to the bruised elderly lady. She handed it over. Must’ve been too shocked to think, or something. Stupid bitch.

“Now scram,” I commanded. She began to hobble away, giving a wide berth to the moaning, crippled muggers. I let her get a few yards away before rushing her and taking her to the ground with a rugby tackle. I heard her chin crack against the unforgiving pavement, and when I stood up, she was out cold.

“And you two,” I hissed, pointing at the dirty pikies. They tried to shuffle away, but were in two much pain to move. It became increasingly apparent that one guy’s leg had been blown off from the gunfire, and his stump was pissing blood. “Give me your fucking wallets.”

They didn’t seem in any obliging state, far too preoccupied with their multiple lower body gunshot wounds – pussies – so I pounced on one, pulled out my switchblade, and began sawing through this guy’s head, first through his windpipe (to much gurgling) and then through his spine, completely severing his head from his body. The second guy had managed to crawl a short distance in this time, and I marched over to him, put my gun against the back of his neck, and pulled the trigger.

He did a lot of gurgling, too, and blood began coming out of his mouth and filling up his lungs. I looked at this with mild interest. Dirty fucker. He deserves all he gets – they both do.

I went over to the two bodies and fleeced them for cash. I then proceeded to the quietly moaning elderly woman.

“Wake up,” I shouted. She moaned slightly louder. I pulled her out of the middle of the road by her arms, towards the pavement.

“Bite the kerb,” I said, pulling her face towards it and pressing my AK to the back of her shrivelled head. She bit the kerb.

“Now say goodnight,” I snarled, jumping on the dirty fucker’s skull.