Super Fun Bus Ride Adventure Kill Time!

I’m sat on the bus, with a copy of The Sun, pretending to read Page 3 in great detail, slightly aware that someone will notice I’m looking at tits but not really giving a fuck. Just as I start considering whether I could sit near the engine and enjoy the vibrations and have a nice quiet wank over topless Jenny’s opinions on immigration, two girls get on and sit there instead. Shit, I think – that’s runied everything, including any hope I had of privacy. They looked a bit like they used the make-up gun from that episode of the Simpsons were Homer tries to be an inventor like Thomas Edison – yeah, that’s a good episode innit. They had nice breasts too.

Well, I think, I’ve skinned up in more public places – who needs privacy? I start to unbuckle my belt, scanning briefly around to see whether they’re looking. They’re not – they’re screwing around with their mobile phones. That should keep them occupied, I think, whilst I pleasure myself. Incidentally, what the fuck is with people downloading porn on to their phones? It’s even worse than wanking over newspapers – some little 2-square-inch screen and some hardcore porn for half a second – it’s totally beyond me.

The second I take out my cock, Hell begins. Low quality RnB tunes start to eminate from these two girls, who’ve taken the liberty to entertain themselves in the loudest and most obnoxious way possible – by playing shitty music on their expensive phones. Bitches. I don’t inflict Anal Cunt on everyone else when I want to listen to it. I look around briefly at the rest of the passengers. They’re all acting like they don’t care, although I bet they do. I’m not going to let this situation spiral into anything bad, like me getting pissed off, though – I’m going to nip it in the bud and resolve it by confronting them straight away.

I turn around and look at them. “Yo,” I say. “Turn off your mobiles before you piss everyone off.”

“No,” they reply.

Fuckers. I stand up to act a little harder, but the moment I do, one shrieks and the other one yells, “Ewww, put your dick away!”

At those words, every other passenger spins around to stare at me. Aaah, I think, I see what they’re doing here – they’re trying to shame me into sitting down. Psychological mind-games at this early stage, eh? As if that’ll fucking work. People on buses turn into inanimate drones who observe situations for amusement but never interfere in them. I win.

I look down at my flaccid penis.”Why the fuck should I do that? Let’s compromise – I’ll put my cock back if you stop playing your shitty music to the entire bus.”

“No,” they reply in unison, “put your dick away before you get arrested, you fucking pervert!”

Fuck that shit – my ideal bus-ride involves a peaceful wank. It’s entirely necessary I have my cock out. I don’t want to listen to Usher, however, especially not in the throngs of hand-assisted passion.

I stride towards them and smack one sharply on the cheek. “Turn off your phone, you stupid bitch,” I snarl. They don’t react well to this – the one I didn’t slap stands up, grips my hair in a fist, and pulls like a motherfucker.

I reach in my boot and pull out the vegetable knife I happened to be storing in there, which I thrust into the hair-puller’s gut. She lets go of my lovely flowing locks immediately. I realise the irritating music is still paying, and, to be honest, they’re fucking scumbags anyway for not turning it off the moment I requested, so I pull it upwards, caesarean-section style. It came out quite easily, followed by a good amount of intestines. She groans and collapses, sitting down with her head hanging forwards.

Her bowels fall into her lap. I grin a little. Blood billows out afterwards, like a sack of ketchup with a hole in it. I grin a bit more. She leans to the side and slips into unconciousness, trailing her guts over the back seat in what I thought was a very graceful and artistic manner.

I turn to the remaining girl, holding the point of the knife right in front of her face. It had the little ‘stainless steel’ mark on it, but it was bloodstained already. I got fucking Jewed buying this. “Righty-oh,” I say in a bouncy, friendly voice. “Turn off your mobile phone, thanks.”

She stares at me and gulps. All the blood has drained from her face. Her eyes plead up at me, real, nightmarish fear startlingly apparent in the coals of her pupils, but she doesn’t respond. Fuck it, I think – her music has already pissed me off a little bit. I jerk the knife forwards so it nicks her nose a little bit. She flinches. “Turn off your fucking mobile phone,” I say again, sterner and harder, my eyebrows furrowing in anger.

She picks up her phone and starts to fiddle with the buttons. Her hands must’ve been pretty sweaty, because it slipped out almost immediately, like a bar of soap in the prison showers. Fuck this, I think – I’ve no time for timewasters. I stab her straight through the windpipe. The knife cuts through her neck, severing her spine and impaling her to the back of her chair. She makes a loud rasping sound, before spasming and choking. Blood leaks from her mouth. She has very nice teeth, I notice, as the crimson flood submerges them. The blood trickles brilliantly down her neck and stains her t-shirt.

Finally, her chest stops moving. I look down at my cock, which has gone hard at some point. Her mobile trills her shitty tunes underneath it.

I bend down, pick it up, and switch it off. The moment the music ends, the bus erupts into applause. I bow jokily, brush aside the guts, pick up my newspaper, and finally get down to a nice wank.